Last year I woke up and found myself smack dab in the middle of a life that no longer made sense to me; and I had no one to blame but myself, considering I was a big part of making it that way. I had to ask myself, how did I get here? I let my family pressure me into buying a house that needed to be gutted. They said it was a great investment and I would be crazy not to get into the market. I didn’t want to buy a house that needed to be renovated from top to bottom, but because I also didn’t want to disappoint my parents I let them talk me into it. I ignored what I initially felt in my gut, and because of that, I learned a valuable lesson about taking a stand for the person I say I am.
Everyone had an opinion and sorting through them all, wondering which decision was best got exhausting. Here I was telling myself I was this confident person who stood up for themselves, who didn’t let people bully them around, but in reality, I was giving up my power, making choices that made sense to everyone but me. Then one night, it hit me like cold water to the face and with a sudden purpose I woke up my fiance and said, ” I want to sell the house”. He looked at me sleepily and said, “okay”, and with a sigh of relief I rolled over and fell back asleep. The next morning I felt amazing like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Just deciding to make things simpler, gave me a new zest for life. Then once the reality of that decision set in, I had to deal with the consequences that came with it. At first, it was frustrating not having everyone in my life be 100% on board with my decision to sell the house, pay off our debts and go back to renting. I was challenged every step of the way, but I thank God for that. Why? Because while I was annoyed, upset and at times outright angry that everyone wasn’t supporting me, I was finally making decisions that were best for me, for my relationship and ultimately my future. So when everyone wanted to tell me what a huge mistake I was making, I stood strong in my convictions and said, “you don’t have to live with the consequences of my choices, I do and if I give myself some breathing room I believe my life will feel better.” And I was right. Now, I’m not stressed all the time, and I have more peace and joy in my everyday life. That daily dose of anxiety is gone and if the timing ever feels right to take on the responsibility of owning a home again, I’ll not only be ready, I’ll know what to do.
Owning who I have become, has never felt better. Now that I’m awake to this in life, I’ve discovered that every day I have the choice of either being who I “say” I am or who I actually am. Am I the person who says nothing bothers them and then gets annoyed by traffic? Or am I the person who uses that same time to meditate or sing along to Adele?