Last year I woke up and found myself smack dab in the middle of a life that no longer made sense to me; and I had no one to blame but myself, considering I was a big part of making it that way. I had to ask myself, how did I get here? I let my family pressure me into buying a house that needed to be gutted. They said it was a great investment and I would be crazy not to get into the market. I didn’t want to buy a house that needed to be renovated from top to bottom, but because I also didn’t want to disappoint my parents I let them talk me into it. I ignored what I initially felt in my gut, and because of that, I learned a valuable lesson about taking a stand for the person I say I am.
Everyone had an opinion and sorting through them all, wondering which decision was best got exhausting. Here I was telling myself I was this confident person who stood up for themselves, who didn’t let people bully them around, but in reality I was giving up my power, making choices that made sense to everyone but me. Then one night, it hit me like cold water to the face and with a sudden purpose I woke up my fiance and said, ” I want to sell the house”. He looked at me sleepily and said, “okay”, and with a sigh of relief I rolled over and fell back asleep. The next morning I felt amazing, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Just deciding to make things simpler gave me a new zest for life. Then once the reality of that decision set in, I had to deal with the consequences that came with it. At first it was frustrating not having everyone in my life be 100% on board with my decision to sell the house, pay off our debts and go back to renting. I was challenged every step of the way, but I thank God for that. Why? Because while I was annoyed, upset and at times out right angry that everyone wasn’t supporting me, I was finally making decisions that were best for me, for my relationship and ultimately my future. So when everyone wanted to tell me what a huge mistake I was making, I stood strong in my convictions and said, “you don’t have to live with the consequences of my choices, I do and if I give myself some breathing room I believe my live will feel better.” And I was right. Now, I’m not stressed all the time, and I have more peace and joy in my every day life. That daily dose of anxiety is gone and if the timing ever feels right to take on the responsibility of owning a home again, I’ll not only be ready, I’ll know what to do.
Owning who I am has never felt better. Now that I’m awake to this in life, I’ve discovered that every day I have the choice of either being who I “say” I am or who I actually am. Am I the person who says nothing bothers them and then gets annoyed by traffic? Or am I the person who uses that same time to meditate or sing along to Adele?